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"This Isn't It" 2014-07-22 - 11:11 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I'm not getting over G___ easily everytime I think I've got it, something catches me off guard and it hurts the same as before my rational mind knows not to care that I left her, and she wasn't that special and etc but there's this raw, tender emotion my fucking stupid exposed heart like the Tyrant from Resident Evil just sitting out there beating for anyone to hit I do my best to block it and act like I don't care but the second I let my guard down... the only thing that keeps me grounded; is that logic that knowledge that I'm in love with the idea of her not actually her she's just another chick no better or worse than any other woman and what always gets me, no matter how cold I try to be is that we did have a really good relationship that first year man, it was really perfect I mean... Jesus you couldn't ask for anything more at least I couldn't but I got too greedy too lost in the fantasy something I told her about my gender issues then that was it she couldn't get over it she basically stopped trying and the whole time the whole time I understood I get it that's hard fuck man, I told her if the tables had been turned, if she'd told me she wanted to be a man I don't think I could've stayed or would've or whatever but I thought she was different and she did stay with me she didn't really try anymore, after that but she stayed and I just can't help but think: now that I know that's not what I want that's not who or what I am we could make it work we know what mistakes we made we could not fall into those same traps we could be like that first year, maybe even better it was... it was perfect even she admits it but I guess she just remembers those last two years or still doesn't believe I'm over transitioning or maybe she just found a new man so she doesn't give a shit one way or the other but damn, man like I said: the logic comes in she's just a normal person that relationship didn't work, so oh well and I can't really blame her and like I said: it's the idea she's skinny even now, that I'm not as interested in fat girls because of her she's fucking skinny and she's not gorgeous and she's... human look, the point is: I get it she's not perfect she's got a lot of flaws she's not my "dream girl" by a long shot but I just think we could really have something and believe me, the last two weeks, I've been trying to think of any which way to get over her anything I can think of to wash my hands and say "fuck her" but no matter how objective I get, or how fanciful I get we really had something I keep telling myself: "you can 'really have something' with a lot of people" most of them that I could really have something with would be better for me than her but it always comes back to: where the fuck are they? G___'s here, and we know it can work but... she's gone she's moved on and I have to do the same and I meant to say, when I started writing this: that it's the idea of her that gets me this idealized version that really she was nothing special that yes, I could have that with a lot of people and the only reason I want her is because she's here, and I already know it can work so now that she's moved on I need to find someone else it can work with I'm just being lazy but I can't get over that draw you're talking to someone, who's had three relationships his whole life three "actual" relationships I've had a lot of relationship-like situations but only three actual girlfriends the other two; one lasted a month and I never had sex with her one lasted a week (as an actual relationship), and even though I had sex with her twice I never came G___ is here, and we know it can work and I know, that it's just another relationship and there'll be other girls who like to stay home and get drunk and watch movies and will play videogames with me and all the other stuff, the sense of humor, the understanding the last one probably being the most important, actually but given my past track record I have no confidence in finding one anytime soon and if I'm being perfectly honest, in my own diary all this other stuff is rationalization I know I over-dramatize things, and have unrealistic expectations I know this is just how relationships work but there's that part of me what if I've been right? what if true love does exist? what if I really am feeling it for her? I'm just supposed to walk away because "oh well, that's just how this shit works in the real world"? Uggh It's killing me literally the only way I handled getting through my day today, was by telling myself I'd kill myself as soon as I got home I really thought I was gonna do it because I just couldn't take it anymore and now... I'm ok I guess I live to fight another day but I'm really not over her in my head I am and I know all this stuff, that she wasn't the "best", and that she has all kinds of flaws; and that's just the way things go; and if she's seeing someone else I guess it means I don't mean as much to her as she does to me and I know I'm way over-dramatic, and put too much importance on the simplest things but my heart will not let her go I really love her and I don't know what to do because I don't know how to fight for her any harder than I already did and my head is sitting there telling me calmly all this shit why I shouldn't care but even my head has to admit there's something there even if it may not matter in the grand scheme of things but if this is all for nothing then true love doesn't exist if true love doesn't exist then I've been living a fantasy everything I've believed and the whole reason I've gotten out of bed every day is all a lie that's what made me want to kill myself today not G____ it's the idea that there is no adventure waiting for me that I will never find true love that I'm just another brutalized face sipping beer in front of the tv; fooling myself into thinking something special is out there when all that's gonna happen to me is I'm gonna get old, and bald, and fat, and then die maybe if I'm lucky I'll make good money and find a girl I get along with ok maybe squirt out a few kids and then die that's the best that could ever happen if that's really it, if that's really all there is fuck, I still want to kill myself thinking about it G____, I want to believe I really, truly love her but even when I think of things in the most rational, bleak, stark reality we could have a really good relationship if she just wanted to but she doesn't so I am fucked either way all ways rationally emotionally if I let her go I lose I think I'm over the idea of killing myself I think I can go on another day and see how I feel then but shit... it really sounds like the better alternative right now four vicodin or four aspirin one will hopefully help with the hangover tomorrow one will hopefully kill me I could just take a shitload of aspirin... I've only got four vicodin but I've got plenty of aspirin I don't even know if four vicodin would be enough fuuuuuuuuck can I really keep doing this? getting my heart broken again and again and again? going to work like nothing's wrong? being friends with G____ when all I want to do is love her? keep being such an unbelievable twat? I hate that I'm like this, and I don't ever see it getting better my options just feel so horrible a life of unending mundanity suicide or maybe it is true love; and everything's not bleak and grey and empty forever but she's still seeing someone else! the only way this is ever going to get better is if my brain starts to work differently but if it does, am I still me? what's better, to alter myself to survive or to just end it? Jesus Christ, man I didn't sign up for this fuck, I didn't even get a choice I was just born heir to generations of mental disease, and the son of a military father with plenty of issues of his own and thirty years later here I am fuck man, maybe the world is better off without me you'll know if I kill myself cause I'll be back for my "suicide note" otherwise this is just more shithead whining I'm sorry � � |