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"alcohol, my only friend" 2014-03-23 - 2:47 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I think about killing myself a lot just casually like, I think about how I'm going to kill myself more often than I think about what I'm going to have for lunch it's oddly calming "I just have to get through these next few hours at work, and then it'll all be over" it's kinda funny I'm too scared to transition [right now] because I'm scared of throwing my life away I'm scared of losing my family, and friends; of becoming a pariah of losing "everything" but I think nothing of killing myself it sounds soooooooooooooooo appealing but it's not really a valid comparison if I were to kill myself, I get to leave. one pull of the trigger and this shit is all fucking behind me it's a point-and-click interface if I transition, I have to stay I get to stick around and watch everyone turn against me bah I mean, what do you want me to say? universe? I don't feel like a man and, you know, it's all so existential what is a man? what is a woman? what are you? are you anything? fuck I feel better with tits I like putting on makeup my body language and temperament seem to suggest a woman given the choice, I would select "woman" but I was not given the choice and I do not have the option I can have all these surgeries, and spend all the money [except, whoops, I can't! hahahahahaha! I can't even afford an apartment!] and I'll be a man that was cut up to look like a woman and maybe if I'm lucky if I'm really really lucky I can pass for a woman, and be able to live the rest of my life as such except to my parents, and friends, and coworkers, who all know what I really am and any girl I fall in love with, well shit I'm gonna have to tell her too so what does all these surgeries buy me? some estrogen and my penis chopped up into some guys' best imitation of a vagina and boobs, I guess. The boobs would be real is it really worth everything? and so what's behind... well, not taking a door? what if I keep the original prize? or however that dumb gameshow worked I stay a guy and I'm pretty happy I guess for the rest of my life you know, I do ok I drink a lot, and I hate myself and maybe I find some girl I mean, it's not like I've ever been good at meeting girls I mean, fuck, maybe I'll get back together with G___ why not, right? pop out a few kids so they can continue to buy things and keep the economy running after I die you know, I put so much stock in "I would be happy if I were a woman" what would really be different? huh, me? answer me that, fuckface I would get boobs, and estrogen, and a penis chopped into a reasonable facsimile of a vagina and I would have to try and find some girl [except maybe the girl would find me] and I'd have to explain to her that I used to be a dude [and then she'd probably leave me] and pop out a few kids so they can buy shit when I'm dead do you really think we'd be any happier? yeah, sure, it'd be nice we'd be more comfortable, and more natural and finally feel like we had the right body we wouldn't feel like we were wrong on some fundamental level all the fucking time but you would still be there I would still be a "we" you'd still be waiting behind the boobs so fuck it, I might as well make everyone else happy unless I kill myself that'd piss everyone else off too but man would it make things easier on me so much easier I mean, what am I holding out for, exactly? what great, bright future am I waiting for? what is so good that I should stick around and put up with this shit even longer? because I'm worried that it'll be more of the same in case you were wondering I'm worried I'll get there and I'll still be this until forever here at least there's an end, I can die whatever comes next, that's forever forever ever, forever ever and what if they hold it against me? whoever sits in judgement, if anyone does what if my beliefs are wrong, and there really is some being judging all of us and the dumb, shitty choices we make and suicide fucks shit up for you do I really want to go through forever with that mark on my record? just because I couldn't handle this shit for like, fifty more years? it doesn't matter nothing matters let's get fucked up � � |