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"needle in the hay" 2011-05-05 - 4:22 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj oh, hello self-loathing, there you are I can't say I missed you; but it is oddly comforting to know you're right there, always waiting just kidding it drives me out of my mind everything I want to do, it's me stopping me I bitch all the time about girls but the truth is: I'm good looking, and I'm a great guy, and I'm charming and etc. if I really tried, I could have any girl I wanted I want to be a musician and I'm talented enough I could make it happen I want to be a writer same thing I want to be a better friend and... I can be a really great friend it's just... me Jesus if any single fucking person in the world told me I couldn't do something I wanted to do fuck them, and fuck that I'll bang my head against that wall until it breaks or there's nothing left of me but the only thing standing between me and all these things I want to do is me and I can't fucking beat that the frustration is impossible to describe it's not like those videogames where the "evil" you is drawn out and laid before you as a darker version of yourself, and you get to fight them in real life it's just you and you're fucking blessed if you can tell where the good you starts and the bad you begins if the rationale behind this decision is which version of you talking I have to fight it just to leave the house now just to leave the fucking house fucking Christ at least that's an easy one to identify, I should say identifying is actually pretty easy most of the time doesn't make it easier to fight if there was ever a rationale for my drinking, that's it it's my attempt to break down my barriers, and my inhibitions; and to stand face to face with myself, on even ground, and work this shit out honestly it works, sometimes it worked like gangbusters with S____ but it's not like I ever really defeat me I'm always there, stopping myself and, you know, how do you live with that? sure, it's easy enough to characterize your worse tendencies as a separate personality that you're doing battle with and make it sound dramatic but that fight just does not end that's what I've always envied of others if they're having the same fight as me; either they're winning; or they're doing so well it doesn't show fuck me, everybody I know has to know I'm having this struggle not that they care that's a separate issue but I'm not hiding this well my heart isn't just on my sleeve, I throw it at people and you know, like I always say: nobody cares nobody nobody nobody nobody nobody � � |