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"Motorcycle Emptiness" 2011-03-20 - 5:38 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj so, last time I was drunk, I messaged S____ on facebook she called a mutual friend and got my number, and has talked to me a little bit as if nothing changed if there's ever been a convincing argument to stop drinking, I think that's it I have to admit, ever since she texted me again, I began to fantasize that she had broken up with her fiance; and that she was suddenly interested in me even though I have no real desire to be with her fuck, I don't even know if I want to be her friend it's the conundrum I've faced my whole life, really you know, a perfect example in this particular situation am I being the bigger man by inviting her back into my life? or a huge pussy? and fuck, I'm keeping her at arm's length but I miss when we were friends and as I've already confessed: I've had fantasies about her being interested in me still even though... I don't think I'm interested in her shit, I still kinda hate her I'm... losing this fight with myself with life in general every decision I make is wrong everything I do comes out bad the only time I feel right, and sometimes not even then is when I'm drunk but that makes me an alcoholic and as I stated at the beginning: I do dumb shit when I'm drunk I just can't see what's out there for me I'm smart, funny, talented, capable, good looking; the whole shebang and I'm pissing it away whether I'm drunk, sober, mean, kind... every decision I make is wrong I want to kill myself because nothing I do is ever right, and I don't believe this will ever get better but I don't have the balls so I'll suck it up, and be hungover at work tomorrow, and I'll cross my fingers and hope that things will get better that maybe next time I try it'll work because, you know, apparently tomorrow's another day or some shit S____ responded to my message, but L____ didn't guess I failed that one really and truly damn the plague that made me starve � � |