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"Great Romances Of The 20th Century" 2011-02-09 - 4:14 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I saw two girls that looked like S____ today; I even bumped into one of her fiance's friends at a restaurant tonight I didn't say anything, and if he recognized me; he didn't say anything either I'd almost say the universe was trying to tell me something... it's probably just trying to get me drunk again honestly the thing that gets me the most about S____, is that I don't care anymore it's such a knee-jerk reaction, that leads me to nothing I saw those girls, and for half a second I was on fire; but that other half of the second, I realized it was empty I just don't care anymore she was just another person who came in and out of my life if I saw her again, which I think about way too much; even though I try to stop myself; I don't care enough to be a dick to her and I don't care enough to try and mend things she doesn't mean anything to me anymore the only meaning she has in my life is that I miss being in love I don't miss her, I just miss that feeling being in love is indescribable air tastes better you feel like life is worth living, like you can do so much more I want that feeling again S____ has nothing to do with it I don't think she could make me feel like that again but until I find a new girl to be in love with, she'll be the face of that which sucks but more importantly; my last real girlfriend was in high school it wasn't the best relationship; but that was the last holding hands, making out, Official, girlfriend that I've had Goddamn near ten years ago and she was the only one, really before and after, it's always been these weird "almost" relationships these pseudo-romances I loved her, and she cared about me; sometimes even loved me but we were never Together I got all the bad shit of a relationship, all the drama but not the holding hands and kissing and stuff and S____ is the most recent example of that I never want that again and it will happen again I'm too nice I'm a great guy, and once you get past my shyness, I'm fucking fun to be around but I'm just too nice where other guys will go in for the kiss where they'll push for more, I'll make a joke and smile, and let it go I don't want to make you uncomfortable I don't want to push you into something you don't want but of course, I never get anything that way so it will happen again it's my lot in life but I really hope, that she will be the last that I can be more of a scoundrel that I will go in for the kiss next time and if it ruins a friendship fuck it, like being her friend until the drama gets too bad is any better this whole smart and safe and nice thing is getting me nowhere and I've addressed the whole "women like assholes" thing before and I don't want to compromise my ideals I don't want to be an asshole but it seems like you end up an asshole either way I mean, I try so hard, to be the man I want to be to live up to my ideal and... it gets me nothing and let's play the game I'm religious I believe that, in the end, it matters I believe there is Something more than us judging our actions but honestly, it doesn't matter if we're just dirt in the ground if we all end up a big ol' pile of them bones the most important thing to me is: I can say I did it My Way but My Way is getting me nowhere and I dream every day of a woman who will see that of a strong, self-confident woman; who will take charge who will understand how I am, and will make the first move but the fact is... if she's out there I haven't met her and I keep the faith, that I will meet her because I have to because to do any differently, would be to compromise my ideals and the alternative, to end up alone, to be The Friend, forever; is a small price to pay I can handle loneliness being an asshole a Real asshole not the kind of asshole I paint myself as that would be worse for me and if that is worse if I'm being stupid and obstinate and if I get to Heaven, or whatever's out there, and they tell me: "Jesus man, what the fuck were you doing?" I will always be able to say: "I did it my way." sadly the best quote I can come up with is The Fray decent band, I could probably do better with some time sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same � � |