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"Hysterical" 2010-11-16 - 4:44 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj What the hell happened to me, man? I used to be so happy. And now it's just there. No matter what I do, where I go, what persona I play. I get so excited about writing, about music, about what the fuck ever. And it's just waiting there for me, when I get home. In my bed. In the shadows. Behind my eyelids. Reference to Tool's "Sober" and etc. I mean, I'm not really, physically addicted to alcohol; just mentally. It's a placebo. Whatever. Not the point. I mean, does everyone deal with this? Not the fear, but the knowledge, that you will destroy everything you love; you will hurt everyone you care about; you will never accomplish anything. You are the problem. It's self-fulfilling really. I know that. Doesn't mean I can fix it. It's self-destructive behavior, all of it. The cigarettes, the booze; the misanthropy. the lack of interest in the things I used to have passion for. There's no light at the end of the tunnel for me. Every time I check myself, and get myself "on track" and start to think I can make stuff happen, it doesn't. I wind up in the same shit position I've been in since high school. At least now hurting myself is so passive. No one can help me. I don't want your fucking commentary, I don't even want your sympathy. You assholes suck at it, by the way. Shit, I can think of a million things I could say to someone in my position. Everyone I know, same answer: "Quit being a bitch." Thanks guys, that means a lot. That almost hurts worse than the actual pain. I mean, I don't want this, but I want you. I want you guys in my life. Maybe I am being a bitch, who cares? Is that really the best you can offer me? And so let's say maybe I'm a bitch in every aspect. You're supposed to give no quarter to those who fall behind. You're not supposed to help the hurting. "Quit being a bitch." Is the universal response to the weak of the herd. Just goes to show I don't Goddamn belong here. I get so angry that I don't get the support from my friends I think I need, that I don't get the romantic involvement from women; what scares me more is I'm not sure I want it. I'm not sure I want to be the same fucking species. At least it still scares me, I guess. Years later, when I start killing prostitutes, they'll read this aloud in court. "lol" and it's heinous Sweet Dreams � � |