"Without The E" 2009-09-01 - 4:47 a.m.

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Eight days since my last entry. Roughly. And everything was going so well.

I drowned in depression last time. Actually that's the point of my drinking: it's a depression trap. I drink so I can get suicidally depressed that one night; and then I get up and go on the next day.

That's a shitty set of options. Either I become an alcoholic to constrain my depression; or I allow my depression to envelop my entire life. I guess the wholesome option is to see a therapist and get some medication, but I can't afford that.

And plus I've always aspired to that old-school, tough guy archetype: "my dad never told me he loved me and kicked my ass all the time, so I just drink a lot and never let it show". Like Denis Leary. That's probably not a great example, but honestly, is anyone reading this? It's like typing to myself.

But the reason I'm actually typing this (to myself) is: I think I finally understand cutting. I've known a bunch of people that have "cut". It's always such a big fucking deal. "Look at the scars on my arms. I don't want you to see them, but they're there, how can you not notice?" Right. You melodramatic asshole.

I guess I shouldn't be one to talk.

Either way, I always saw it as a show. Maybe I was wrong.

Because I've become so closed off, so intent not to feel anything; that I'm numb to everything. I'm so distanced that life seems like some shitty television show I'm watching. I wish I could shut it off and do something better, but unfortunately it's real. And so after all this, physical pain has become the only thing I can feel. I can feel depression, I can feel failure. But that actually hurts. After all this, physical pain is nothing, but at least it's real. It's not hidden behind so many walls, it's just there. I can feel it, for real feel it; unlike every emotion I fake every Goddamn day to try and convince everyone I'm alive. But it still doesn't hurt as bad as my depression.

And it's still too melodramatic. Even when no one's reading.

There's not enough alcohol in the world. I either have to join The Marines or kill myself. I'm just scared that joining The Marines won't work.

Sweet Dreams

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