"Problems" 2004-08-31 - 3:56 a.m.

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it sucks being screwed up

even when things are going good for me I can't really be happy

the last few times I've been really happy over the past few years; it's been lies

happiness shared with people who didn't give a fuck about me

the last time I was really happy was about 7 years ago

my best friend at the time was like a shadow of myself

we lived in this nowhere town and were too young to do cool shit

so every weekend we would go walk around this crappy tourist trap, open-air mall type place and the boardwalk

we would go to the supermarket and buy 12-packs of soda and walk around drinking them and shaking them up and exploding them over our heads like this one wrestler at the time did

we would talk about videogames and wrestling and bullshit

it was...

magical

but I've changed so much since then I couldn't go back to that if I wanted to

I don't regret the ways I've changed

but I regret that he didn't change in a way where we could still get along

and now, things are finally starting to really go good for me; but I can't let myself be happy

I've finally made a decision as far as school

I've decided that it's just "rock star or die" for me

literally

the only purpose college ever had for me was something to fall back on

but I'm not falling back

it's forward or die

school plays no part in that

so I feel no guilt at not attending

I've got a fun, easy job that, while it doesn't pay good enough on its own

pays enough to hold me until I find something that does

I've got enough money to get by right now

which is all I need

money isn't the only reason I'm not ready to move forward yet

and most importantly: I'm in a band

a good, solid band that I'm proud to be part of

we've got enough original material to constitute a set

and an EP when we get that far

and I'm proud of our stuff

things are pretty good for me right now

but I'm so lonely

girls just aren't interested in me

and the only guy interested in me was Cody;

and he's more or less the opposite of my type

so...

and that's only made worse by the fact that I can't get over the last relationship I was in

I've tried, and I definitely want to

the climax came and went; the credits have rolled, it's done with

but I can't move on

it would be better for everyone but I just can't seem to let it go

no matter how hard I try

it sucks being screwed up

[for the shallow end of things, check my lj]

Sweet Dreams

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