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"Well There Once Was A Man..." 2003-11-22 - 2:10 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj As usual, my friends were too busy to hang out with me tonight I don't want to get pissed off; but it hurts I've said for a few days now that I really want to hang out tonight because I'm off work and I talked about it with Robyn[who told me in advance she was busy] I called Stephanie three or four times tonight and she wasn't home took off with Evan somewhere and I don't want to make a big deal out of it but I'm just so fucking lonely I fell into a real deep depression tonight I went to Zia and the mall tonight [finally got myself a Smiths album] and I prayed to God that I would get in a fatal car accident earlier today I had to go get a perscription from Walgreens and as I was starting my car to leave; a wasp flew down and buzzed around the car next to mine and it started to fly towards my car, which had an open window; and without looking, I just pulled out into the parking lot aisle as fast as I could that was really stupid I feel bad about how idiotic that was but I don't feel too bad because I know I can't help it but the point is I wish so bad some idiot in an SUV or a big-ass pickup truck(which are so popular around here) had been flying down that aisle and slammed into me and killed me I can't kill myself, so I want someone to do it for me I wanted to cry tonight but I knew I couldn't cry hard enough I just feel so empty inside I wanted to get a job because I thought it would help but it only made things worse I want to quit but I know if I do it won't help and then I'll just have no income I'm so empty on the inside and my life is so empty on the outside and I blew the only chance at love I may ever get because we're so far away and it just seems like it's never going to change friends can never be what I need and I can't find love and my self is so cold and ugly and I don't think I can go on but I can't end it and it hurts so bad sometimes I want to just throw my guitar into my van and hit the road head for New York get that shitty apartment in the bowery start all over but I know it would never work I could change my hair or clothes or how I act I could take out my earrings and shave my sideburns and become a different person but at the end of the day; I would still be me when I looked in the mirror, I would still see the same problems staring back at me and what's the point in running if what you hate will always be with you? I just want it to stop I've noticed that I draw a lot of pictures of myself lately it's all I've been drawing when I feel so bad I can't put it into words; I draw it out here's what I drew tonight: it's a little simplistic; but it's supposed to show how empty I feel inside do me a favor and drop me a note if you can or can't see it; just to be sure I did that right Grey Would Be The Color; If I Had A Heart MY life has just become a movie. These are the songs that would play during the following: opening credits: Guitar And Videogames by Sunny Day Real Estate party/social gathering scene: Bound For The Floor by Local H falling in love scene: Trampoline by Calamine screwing up that love scene: Liquid Boy by Built to Spill pining for unrequited love scene: Lovesong by The Cure mind-numbing boredom montage: I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones getting introduced to heroin scene: Would by Alice in Chains horrible depression scene: Quicksand by Dinosaur Jr suicide scene: Sacrifice Vs. Apathy by Slowride / or else OD scene: Needle In The Hay by Elliott Smith funeral scene: Atmosphere by Joy Division closing credits: How Soon Is Now? by The Smiths � � |