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"My Own Worst Enemy" 2003-11-19 - 1:37 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I'm not sure how to start this entry I've got stuff to say but I'm not sure how to go into it I got sick this morning again had to go into work an hour and a half late I'm starting to get worried I was going months at a time without being sick and now I've got sick three times within a week and I know it's my fault I'm sure that its' being caused by nerves now and I hate it work is so easy so incredibly easy it's me sitting at home thinking about work that's hard I keep telling myself that I've only been working two days; I'll get over it I'll get used to it, and it won't seem like such a big deal 'cause right now... right now I'm nervous almost all the time not for fear of what I have to do at work but for fear that I might get sick at work and all the nervousness is making me sick it's a vicious cycle and I can't believe that I've only been working two days it feels like it's been months since my job interview it was last friday it's been almost a week my first paycheck comes in three weeks and it seems like forever and I keep telling myself that I'll get used to it and the days will pass like normal instead of like years and it's not the job that's hard it's me thinking about the job and I'm thinking of calling up my therapist and getting her to perscribe me a medication because I'm so sick of this sick of things that should be simple becoming gigantic; horrifying issues sick of knowing that with all these big situations; the only problem is me and that my problem is caused by a chemical imbalance they have pills to fix those I used to not want to do that because for better or worse; who I was was who I was because I thought that the only time I had any character or personality was when I was depressed because I wanted to be all dark and tortured but now I know better the things that I thought were me are just crossed wires and faulty nuetrons and if I can take a pill and make that go away, I'll do it gladly then maybe I can live without having everything become a gigantic, life-altering issue and I can stop turning something so minor as a job into something too big to even put into words Zoloft didn't work for me but I hope that Lithium or something else will I just have to make the appointment and talk to her Sweet Dreams � � |