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"Disorder" 2003-10-20 - 3:58 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I'm not sure what to say there's a lot of stuff going on inside me deep stuff but it's so much easier to gloss over it to talk about my day to pay lip-service to my problems mention them "in passing" as it were, or dance around them 'cause God knows I can't face them in real life it's so much easier to just sleep all day and kick myself later but those problems aren't the problems I'm talking about now thinking about all your problems at once will only make things seem that much worse but now that I've mentioned them; it's hard to get them out of my head "try to spend the next thirty seconds not thinking about a baby polar bear" and all that I don't know I'm pretty sure that's not even what he said or even if it was Dostoyevski who said it but that's irrelevant right now what I mean is: would talking about my problems do anything? would it cause anyone to do anything other than shake their heads or acknowledge the fact that I am indeed troubled? although I guess I'm not really looking for help from others because I don't know who could help me for the things I need help with there is no one to help you at some point everyone with serious problems is faced with a dilemma: will you face your problems and try and fix them? or will you kill yourself? and you can phrase it a thousand different ways and turn those two options into a hundred more but really it all boils down to that face your problems or flee from them but there's no guarantee death would let you flee or not for all we know that would just make you end up as a tree in the Suicide Groves of Hell I don't believe in hell but I don't know for sure but I do know that when I think about suicide I think about those panels from Sandman; when Dream goes to hell to get his helm back from a demon of those withered trees with faces the little voice bubbles that say: "the pain was supposed to stop..." I don't know I also think about the statistics something like 60% of everyone who attempts suicide will eventually succeed I'm not strong enough now but who's to say for ten years from now? or even next week? but I'm not suicidal right now it's just one of those things I think about especially when I'm feeling down right now I've got someone I wanna live for but I'm not sure if she wants me to live for her and I wonder a lot; what would happen if she decided she didn't want me to live for her? would I be strong enough then? but that's not my problem one of my problems is: does she know? should I just say her name? someone perceptive enough could figure out who I'm talking about but by not saying it it leaves room for doubt so that she can think to herself: "was he talking about me?" for the rest of the day and get all worried kinda like the last entry of her diary did to me but I'm worried if I do say it she'll tell me she thinks I'm creepy and obsessive and to fuck off the same thing I've been worried about since day one I don't know I'm just a barrel of fun there was something else too problems with video games that of course link to something much deeper but even with the link to the deeper stuff, talking about video games after that seems kinda shallow but why? it's not like I actually said anything I did the same thing we all do talk about "her" or "him" or "they" never actually come out and say what we mean because that would make us face our problems and in the end; if we could do that we wouldn't be typing in these diaries or maybe we would; but it would be funny shit like porktornado or those other funny diaries out there and I wonder; does everyone have these problems? is everyone else just strong and the reason these problems fuck with us so bad is because we're weak? or are these problems exclusive to us? they say it's wiring; in the brain we're wired wrong so we can't deal as well some people get molested as children and go on to lead normal; productive lives and write books that are an inspiration to others some people lead pretty average lives and grow their hair out long and listen to depressing music and type in a diary about how they can't handle life what's that guy say in the Big Lebowski? "aww shoot; look at me gettin' all philosophical" like I know what the fuck I'm talking about I'm just another guy with long hair who listens to depressing music and bitches about how life is too hard Stop The World, I Want To Get Off I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man? These sensations barely interest me for another day I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, take the shock away It's getting faster, moving faster now, it's getting out of hand On the tenth floor, down the backstairs, it's a no man's land Lights are flashing, cars are crashing, getting frequent now I've got the spirit, lose the feeling, let it out somehow What means to you, what means to me, and we will meet again I'm watching you, I'm watching her, I'll take no pity from your friends Who is right, who can tell, and who gives a damn right now Until the spirit new sensation takes hold, then you know I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling I've got the spirit, but lose the feeling, Feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling -Disorder Joy Divison � � |