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"post homicidal regression" 2003-02-17 - 4:07 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj the anger of my last entry has faded and I'm left with just depression I could erase it save myself alot of trouble and heartache but I won't maybe it'll get Stephanie's attention it just hurts so bad sometimes when I'm with Stephanie I feel such a powerful connection it feels like I've found at least a Kindred Spirit; and at most a Soul Mate but to her I'm just some guy who she used to hang out with but drifted apart from and doesn't really like to be around anymore; but doesn't have the heart to say so my life sucks right now it really does my stomach is a constant source of pain my doctor is apathetic my parents... the only source of happiness I have left is my friends and the only two I was really close to were Robyn and Steph I don't know why me and Robyn drifted apart one day I was just too depressed to get online and talk about Adult Swim, and now I'm too scared to try to start again it would be so simple but not to me and Steph... it disgusts me, sometimes, how big a part of my life she's become especially when you consider how small a part of hers I am over the summer she and I were together everyday it was just a given we didn't have to plan for it; we didn't have to say it it was just understood; we would be together now; I'm lucky to see her once a week and it always seems she doesn't really want to be around me, she's just too polite to tell me to go fuck myself as I said: my life sucks, and my only comfort is her and she never has time for me she'll pass this off, you know tell me: "I'm just really busy, but you'll see that how you always see that" tell me that I shouldn't worry and that I'm a fool for doing so make me feel like a child and an annoying one at that it really hurts to get that from what was your only source of happiness but nothing I can say has any effect so maybe my loss of control in the last entry will do something force some type of action out of her good or bad I can't take this anymore telling me she wants to hang out with me and then not doing so even when the opportunity presents itself, she passes it up if she does give me a reason; it'll probably be something like: "because you do things like this"[referring to my last entry], or "because you make everything so dramatic" I wouldn't if she would just hang out with me even my source of happiness has turned to a source of worry now it's no wonder why I can't sleep, I'm always depressed, and I smoke all the time I should call Robyn tomorrow take her out for coffee and cigarettes at that Coffee X-Change they put at the plaza near my house maybe go to the mall, try and make some new friends *pfft* at best I'll leave the house at worst I'll sit around in constant pain if I had any balls I'd just kill myself and get it over with too bad, really � � |