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"For You" 2003-01-27 - 5:07 a.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj I can't sleep I've been lying in bed for an hour I hate my parents I hate my life I have to take my car to get emissions tested tomorrow with my dad I've been laying in bed for an hour dreading it dreading what we may end up saying to eachother I wish my parents were supportive not threatening I wish that they would say: "it'll be ok, Brett" I wish that they would say: "if that doesn't work then we'll just have to find another way" I wish that they would say: "we'll love you no matter what" but they say: "you better do something or you're fucked" they say: "you better make this work" they say: "if you don't do this we'll stop loving you" it's not a nice feeling I've been out of school since mid october and all this time I've been putting off getting a job until the specialist can maybe do something because I'm sick I have a fucking desease but the specialist keeps blowing me off first it was late November he tried something, it didn't work I managed to convince my parents to wait until after my next appointment, in late January, to see if he could fix me then they weren't happy about it they told me so and threatened me many times I saw him again he told me that he was right the first time, that the medicine he gave me should be working, and I should be fixed I told him no, I wasn't he told me yes, I am fucker I've managed to go two days since then without my parents telling me I have to get a job two whole days and that makes me feel lucky but tomorrow I'm going to have to spend at least an hour with my dad at the emissions place(not to mention the drives); with nowhere to run this won't be good I have to defend that I'm too sick to get a job, I have to defend that I'm too sick to go to school, I have to defend that I really am sick, and I have to explain why I'm behind on my home-schooling and no matter what I say, he won't listen it doesn't matter that I'm sick I should have a job I should be in school and it eats away at his brain that I'm not actually attending, but since I'm not, then I should spend every waking moment working on the home-schooling and my disease is nothing I can't handle I'm just being a whiny little baby for not being able to function perfectly and nothing I could say could ever possbily change that and it's scary I mean, I want a job; I want the money, I want the ability to be out there doing something I want to be in school well... OK, not really but I want to be doing well on my home-schooling I don't like being stuck and I absolutely fucking hate being sick this really is ruining my life; not to mention how painful it is on its own all that stuff is bad enough but then I have my parents two people who have control over my life constantly telling me that I have to be doing better threatening me that if I don't then bad things will happen both from them and from others as if I don't fucking know I would give anything to have them be supportive I would give anything to have them at least leave me the fuck alone my artistic ability my musical ability any skill I have to make things different but I can't things don't work like that so I have to deal with my life; which is hard enough and I have to deal with my parents as a constant reminder and threat about how my life should be about what they'll do to me if it's not like that as if I have control I hate it I hate it all and there's not a goddamn thing I can do about it and I have no hope for the future there's no indication that anything will ever get better only constant threats that if I don't do something things will get worse there's nothing I can do but I better do something I mean, there's no way I could think of that on my own shit, I can't sleep at night because I think all the fucking time; I don't have anything to do so all I have to do is think but there's no way I could've thought of that on my own I'm so fucking glad I have my parents here to remind me to do that all the goddamn time and I'm glad they threaten me about it too 'cause I mean, without their threats then I would have no motivation to want to do anything except wallow in my pain for the rest of my life I'm so glad I have my parents without them I might be happy Sweet Dreams to everyone who can have them TO MY MOTHER TO MY FATHER IT'S YOUR SON or it's your daughter are my screams loud enough for you to hear me? should I turn this up for you? I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID the silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast the silence is what kills me I NEED SOMEONE HERE TO HELP ME BUT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LISTEN AND LET ME MAKE MY DECISION I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID the silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast ALL YOUR INSULTS AND YOUR CURSES MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOT A PERSON AND I FEEL LIKE I AM NOTHING but you made me so do something 'CAUSE I'M FUCKED UP BECAUSE YOU ARE NEED ATTENTION ATTENTION YOU COULDN'T GIVE I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID the silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast I SIT HERE LOCKED INSIDE MY HEAD REMEMBERING EVERYTHING YOU SAID the silence gets us nowhere gets us nowhere way too fast -For You Staind the all caps parts sum up what I want to say to my parents ...lots of 'em, aren't there? � � |