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"Hey Man Nice Shot" 2002-12-12 - 11:31 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj touch me, I'm sick the medications aren't working I knew this would fucking happen it's only been- what? two weeks since I saw the freaking specialist? and already the medications have stopped working yay I think of the rest of my life being like this -get a new medication every two weeks until there's no more that my body hasn't adapted to- how long do you think that would last? I wish so much I could kill myself and don't any of you tell me to "be strong" you don't fucking know you don't know what it's like to be freaking sick all the time to never be able to do anything for fear you'll have an attack unless you're already having one, then it's moot I've got all sorts of other problems too but those I could deal with those were nothing I couldn't handle so I never said anything and now since this came along and this is the first thing I can't handle; I go for help, and everyone thinks that I'm making such a big deal out of this one thing that I go running for help at the first sign of trouble simply because I've never mentioned any of my other problems and what the hell am I supposed to do now? I don't have another appointment with the specialist until the end of january then what? he runs some tests maybe just verifies the same thing he already told me gives me another medication that'll stop working in two weeks fuck and everyone tells me to just "live on" to "not give up when you're so young" that it's "managable" they tell me I should just handle it and move on but I can't and they don't realize that they don't realize that by the time I say I have a problem then it's bloody serious I wish I could kill myself one of these days I'm going to work up the balls to try again I've got no other choice and don't any of you argue with me don't tell me that I should try and live with excruciating stomach pain everyday try to live with not being able to do anything 'cause I have to make sure I'm near a toilet at all times how am I supposed to get a job and support myself? how am I supposed to go to school and finish my education? how am I supposed to do anything I want? the fact is that I can't live with this nobody could and if they can't find either a cure or a medication that'll keep working then death would be much better than a life of agony and excuse me if I don't have much faith in our freaking medical system I don't have the balls yet but after awhile it'll reach a point where there's no other choice, and I'll have to go through with it balls or not I just wish that it was curable if this was curable then I would never attempt suicide again I'd have no reason to whatever other problems I have I can deal with it's just this one bloody thing this one bloody thing ruining my whole damn life I'm going to a different office of the specialist next time maybe it'll be a different guy maybe he'll have a different opinion or maybe the tests will reveal it's something curable and I'll be able to live my life again yeah, and maybe I'm a chinese jet-pilot � � |