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"Schism v2.0" 2002-10-16 - 10:15 p.m. older - previous - next - profile - host - my band - my lj this thing with Evan is killing me I didn't want to write about Evan I was going to write about how the "Kurt & Courtney" episode of Law & Order wasn't as fact-based as I thought it was going to be the episode started with "Courtney" dying, and it turned out to be the original drummer of the band who killed both of them but as I got on I decided to turn on IM to see if I could talk to Stephanie, and Evan was on for the first time since all this crap started we talked about what his fucking problem was we didn't resolve anything, but we talked about it I want to hate him, I really do but no matter what I hear he's done, no matter how many times he blows me off; I still remember how cool he used to be, how much I really did like to be around him I don't usually get attached to people, especially when they do a lot of stuff that pisses me off but for some reason I still like him for some reason I just can't let the bond I thought we shared go in talking about his problems he's revealed just how eerily alike we really are deep down the only difference is he can stay mad at people to their face if I had his resolve then I would be in the same boat as him but as soon as I see Stephanie or hear her voice my resolve melts, and I remember the good things and I remember why I consider her the best friend I've ever had if I had Evan's resolve then she'd be hating me right now, and I'd be sitting alone and regretting everything just like he's doing and what hurts the most is that we'll never work this out it's more likely that he'll commit suicide before we ever hang out again and I keep thinking that maybe he's right, maybe we do think so differently that we shouldn't be friends but at the same time I feel that we're much more alike than he realizes but he'll never accept that so which should I listen to? my head-and just give up on him, try not to think about him and just try and convince myself that I hate him, or my heart-and keep trying and holding that damn candle until things reach some conclusion, for better or worse I don't know I don't know anything damnit fucking God damnit here's proof that fucked up people can't be happy he's hurting(or so he says; I believe him) because he's pushed everyone away I'm hurting because I can't push everyone away we've got the same issues, he just has better resolve for all the fucking good that did him Quoth the Raven -Nevermore � � |