"Black Hole Sun" 2002-09-14 - 8:37 p.m.

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Today hurt. Just overall. I'll get more into it later; but right now I miss things. I miss those talks me and Steph used to have out at Wilson; watching the sun set while I flipped my lighter(which I've now lost) on and off. I miss Evan. I really do. Not just as a drummer, but as a friend. I miss the three of us hanging out as the last three grunge kids. I've also realized some things about myself. Grunge is what I am; that mindset is who I am, and that style fits me like a glove. Plus it's some damn good music. I've also realized some other things. There's a reason I identify with the character 'Raven'. There's a reason I use his pictures on the little banners I make, a reason I quote him whenever I can, a reason I dress like him. A reason I named my alternate personality after him. I'm manic depressive. Sure; I've known that for a damn long time, but I'm just now realizing that that's what I am. It's not something I can just turn off. All that stuff about "fighting it" that I preached at Stephanie about was crap. Sure; it helped me, it helped me a lot. But it didn't change the fact. Instead of characterizing my depression as a malevolent and seperate thing inside of me; I'm accepting it as who I am. *sigh* membership to Raven's Flock is lifelong; you don't just leave. Now if you'll excuse me; I'll be cutting holes in the knees of my jeans and looking for Soundgarden t-shirts. Quoth the Raven -Nevermore

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