"No Leaf Clover" 2002-08-19 - 11:46 p.m.

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Not much to say. Everybody finally updated their freaking diarys again. Reading them just made me feel like the world is moving but I'm not a part of it. Like I'm watching it from behind glass. I want to be a part of it, I tried to be a part of it, and circumstances are making it so that to some extent I NEED to be a part of it; but I'm stuck here. In my little fishbowl. I want to hang out with Evan; he won't return my notes or e-mails, and hasn't called me since the Mole People broke up. The two times we've talked since then I called him. I want to hang out with Stephanie, I haven't even talked to her in a week. I want to hang out with Robyn, but I won't see her until this weekend. I want to get my band started, but without Evan that's a dead end. I NEED to get a fucking job, which means I need to talk to Stephanie and/or Erin, Evan, or Austin even; but I never talk to anyone anymore. And that's even assuming I could get a job at Pet Smart. Nowhere else will hire me, and Pet Smart has already declined the opportunity before, so things look bleak there. I might be able to get a car from my cousin, but it's a stick, which means I need to learn to drive a stick. And that's assuming I even get it. Things have a habit of NEVER (ee-ee-eeeeeeeever) working out for me. And even if I do, I NEED a job, both to pay him and to pay for gas and insurance and such. Funny, that fishbowl analaogy I made earlier is fiendishly appropriate, because not only am I stuck behind glass, but I'm drowning in here. And oh yes, then there's the dentist. I had to go today, but my gums were too inflamed for them to do anything. So tomorrow they're going to numb me up and do it anyway. I'd almost rather be shot. Then that just got my mom started on the warpath that I need all sorts of costly, time consuming, and painful dental procedures. Costly being the operative word. We're just treading water above poverty and she's gonna give me a bunch of multi-hundred dollar operations that I don't even want. Which also means that I'm probably gonna end up with fucking braces. I shot that idea down 5 years ago, what the hell makes her think I've changed my mind? Actually, nothing, she knows I don't want the bloody things, that I'm happy with my nasty yellow teeth, but she's still gonna make me get them. Fuck. There's a move(watch yourself, we've descended into wrestling reference territory!) that Tommy Dreamer does where he hangs his opponent upside down in the turnbuckle(corner of the ring) and stands on their nuts. He kind of bobs up and down on the ropes to make it more painful. It feels like that's what life is doing to me right now. Evan quitting in the first place was a kick in the nuts, my position now is what I just described. So Steph, if you think you're depressed now, just be glad you're not in my position. My sole ray of hope is Robyn. She's the only person who still talks to me and it's such great fun to hang out with her, and despite my earlier acts of assholery, she's still standing ready with her guitar for the Mole People. That's the one thing that keeps me going. I think of all the shit I'm going through and then I think of Robyn, and I can almost visualize her walking down a tunnel with light at the end, saying: "come on Brett." But at the same time I have this horrible feeling that the light is a freight train. Saying that she's the only thing keeping me going is eerily like what I said about Stephanie months ago, and we all saw how that turned out. I wonder if she even considers me one of her close friends anymore? I just have a habit of ruining these things. Oh well, nowhere to go but forward, into the light. Wether it's a bright future, a freight train, or a bug zapper, I got nowhere to go but into it. See you on the other side...

"When it comes to be that you see the light at the end of your tunnel

It's just a frieght train comin' your way..."

-No Leaf Clover

Metallica

"Remember I will always love you,

As I claw your fucking throat away.

It will end no other way."

-Pushit

Tool

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